Anyone with small children or a debilitating illness such as cancer will understand when I say there is a kind of tiredness so complete that any effort seems impossible. One wakes tired; one goes to bed tired; and in between times one just is tired. In my own case, I have more or less given up pretending it can ever be otherwise. I have even stopped snarling when people tell me to rest! Because, of course, the reason one is tired is that one cannot rest or rest itself is no longer restful. I refuse, however, to allow this state of apparently perpetual tiredness to be entirely negative. I bumble along quite happily until I simply flop — a sudden loss of energy, an overwhelming desire to close my eyes for a few minutes, you know what I mean. One doesn’t have to have children or be ill to know such moments, but they are probably more frequent if one does/is. At such times one can moan and groan a little, lament what one can’t do, or one can learn — painfully slowly in my case — that they are a moment of grace, to be treasured rather than railed against.

When one is very tired, life becomes much simpler. There is no need to pretend, no need to argue, no need to worry about what others think. What one cannot do, one cannot do — and that’s an end of the matter. One cannot plan ahead and one’s memory of the past is defective, so one is forced to live in the present moment. Jean de Caussade wrote beautifully of the sacrament of the present moment, but I must admit that until I became ill myself, I had never really appreciated the richness of meaning behind the phrase. We can only meet God, only love and serve him, now, in this moment; and when we are tired, as when we are asleep, all opposition, all attempts to control God, fall away. God can winkle his way in, as it were. Tiredness stills heart and mind and makes them receptive as they rarely are when we are bursting with energy and full of ‘me, me, me’.

If today you are feeling flat and weary, be encouraged. It is not the end of the world, though at one level it may seem like it. On the contrary, it is an opportunity to become more open to God, to be fashioned according to his ideas rather than your own; in short, it is an opportunity to let God be all in all.

 

ibenedictines